to salvage my sanity, i must blog.
it seems like my constant ranting about the situation to some friends still isn't enough to keep my mouth shut about it. a sign of craziness is when you can't seem to stop talking about something, i.e. when it is all you want to and can talk about, no matter how many times you've already blabbed about it to friends. even if it just covers the exact same situation, exact same people and exact same last-times of events. and so i thank all my wonderful friends and cousin who have lent their ears to me, for constantly listening about the same ol damn thing. i thank them for the endless support. you make life so much easier for me. you make the world easier for me to breathe in. and of course, the perpetual support of this blog, which despite the already existing entries about the subject still offers space for me to continuously talk about it. and so back now to being crazy.
i have thought about putting together all the wonderful, sentimental, applicable, killer songs in this blog. i did not intend to put them sooner, i.e. now. but due to lack of motivation to work on anything school-related, i am here doing it now:
......... ..........
...... .......
.... ....
... c u t ...
.. ..
. .
listening to these songs both helps and doesn't. they don't because they just make me feel miserable. but at the same time, they also do because... [it's too cheesy to say it over here. continued in the other blog.]
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
bits and pieces
something's gotten into me that i now watch sports more often, flip through sports/car mags more often, reading about sports more often. hahahaha. perhaps it's all the beginning of my quest for a more interesting lifestyle. for the past n years, my life has revolved around... nothing. quite sad to say. but what the heck, here i am changing. interesting. having seen a match of soccer saturday night, and watching the movie goal the next day aroused my interest for the sport. wish i could play it. i think im already quite late to learn any of those. esp that and maybe bball. tennis i think is faster. it doesnt need much of the movements that the two other sports require. tennis only asks you to run left to right and a bit to the front and back. i wish i could play it again. miss playing that. i just dont have anyone to play with so ive been resorting to the un-physical means of relaxing. oh well. maybe bec there's school. and i always see that as a reason for the failure to do any sport. or even go to the gym.
speaking of going to the gym. im slowly realizing how i must start working out. especially my -stomach-. that big flabby stomach. well it isnt that big yet. but my shirts are starting to expose the curve. it may have been due to too much eating or more frequent drinking. i dont mind gaining weight. but at least i hope even some small amount of weight i gain goes to my face. and not all to my belly. screw that... hmm. where and when do i work out? not really about being a loner (n, i think it's okay to go to the gym alone. but again, where and when. if i dont start working out, this is going to be a dizzzzzasssster in no time.
2 weeks... 2 weeks... i swear i cant wait to get out of school already. im getting a headstart now with the things i have to study. or so i think. i just dont wanna screw up my last ever finals, written or orals, in the ateneo. i know i have been ranting about this for the past couple of days. but i guess this is in everyone's mind right now. esp with all the hell theyre going through. good luck guys.
im still confused until now. although i have been thinking less about it. maybe its the school work. thank God for schoolwork. and if its all about uninterested-ness, then, i dont know. am i losing on this again? *sigh*. so i guess this is what she wants. if thats the way she thinks. if only i had the power to manipulate things. haha. bad wish i know. but that'd be pretty interesting. dont you think? if you could only manipulate the feelings of the person you like, but doesnt like you back, then it'd be heaven alas. however, it takes away all the the challenges entailed, which also makes it less interesting. and less fun. but hey, im only until a certain level of challenge. wait, i dont even think this qualifies for a challenge. when the girl doesnt like you, then it's not a challenge anymore. or maybe im just bein cynical. differences are difficult to reconcile. and thats something ive also been considering. yeah you like the person but there's also something that somehow pushes your far back and makes you think twice. but i could be wrong with what im thinking. oh well. so much for the lovelife.
party's coming up on the 3rd. yey. i want baileys there. and mike's. and gin? vodka? tequila? oh, mudslide. or just about anything. i just hope that as we graduate from college, we also get to graduate from beer at least to a certain degree. block q party people, agree? kellds, just like u told me. i need to move up the alcohol ladder. so do the other q people. well, maybe they already have n years ago, but let that party be the ceremony for formal 'moving up'. hahaha.
done for the night.
speaking of going to the gym. im slowly realizing how i must start working out. especially my -stomach-. that big flabby stomach. well it isnt that big yet. but my shirts are starting to expose the curve. it may have been due to too much eating or more frequent drinking. i dont mind gaining weight. but at least i hope even some small amount of weight i gain goes to my face. and not all to my belly. screw that... hmm. where and when do i work out? not really about being a loner (n, i think it's okay to go to the gym alone. but again, where and when. if i dont start working out, this is going to be a dizzzzzasssster in no time.
2 weeks... 2 weeks... i swear i cant wait to get out of school already. im getting a headstart now with the things i have to study. or so i think. i just dont wanna screw up my last ever finals, written or orals, in the ateneo. i know i have been ranting about this for the past couple of days. but i guess this is in everyone's mind right now. esp with all the hell theyre going through. good luck guys.
im still confused until now. although i have been thinking less about it. maybe its the school work. thank God for schoolwork. and if its all about uninterested-ness, then, i dont know. am i losing on this again? *sigh*. so i guess this is what she wants. if thats the way she thinks. if only i had the power to manipulate things. haha. bad wish i know. but that'd be pretty interesting. dont you think? if you could only manipulate the feelings of the person you like, but doesnt like you back, then it'd be heaven alas. however, it takes away all the the challenges entailed, which also makes it less interesting. and less fun. but hey, im only until a certain level of challenge. wait, i dont even think this qualifies for a challenge. when the girl doesnt like you, then it's not a challenge anymore. or maybe im just bein cynical. differences are difficult to reconcile. and thats something ive also been considering. yeah you like the person but there's also something that somehow pushes your far back and makes you think twice. but i could be wrong with what im thinking. oh well. so much for the lovelife.
party's coming up on the 3rd. yey. i want baileys there. and mike's. and gin? vodka? tequila? oh, mudslide. or just about anything. i just hope that as we graduate from college, we also get to graduate from beer at least to a certain degree. block q party people, agree? kellds, just like u told me. i need to move up the alcohol ladder. so do the other q people. well, maybe they already have n years ago, but let that party be the ceremony for formal 'moving up'. hahaha.
done for the night.
Friday, February 17, 2006
freelance
im really excited to end. the past few days i have been simply procrastinating and attempting to take an escape from all the work that needs to be done. (see, even when i must be typing 2 different papers now, look at me. im blogging. just blogging.) i know, my schedule isn't the most screwed up. but i think i just grew tired of everything that i just wanna stop and bum around. i have also been more frequently sleepy during finance and philo classes. most especially philo. im supposed to be attentive. its one of the few subjects i truly appreciate. but quite the contrary is happening. interest on the subject matter isn't quite as strong as it has to be and as i had believed it to be to keep me awake. dammit.
will be typing on the top of my head in 3... 2... 1....shoot: it's nice to have found someone to talk to about the person. it makes my life so much easier. especially that the new friend isn't a batchmate. so whatever i say and reveal wont put me in deep shit. or i dont think so. coz id be gone by the time everything's spilled. that is, if ever he decided to spill. which i doubt he'll do. and up until now im still confused about things. whether i should continue or not. kills me to be in this situation. although part of me is happy to be here. it's just the hassle and the thinking and the severe frustration i experience that somehow puts me through hell. although it has not been as intense as it used to be. i dont know if i should be happy about it. it could mean im slowly going back to where i used to be. but also at least it requires less thinking. and it allows me to focus more on the other things i should really be focusing on. such as school and group works. damn. another idea that just lets me be, with my all-time high level of laziness is the idea that even if i screw up on the group works, these people could no longer run away the next time there's group work. because there's no more next time. id only have to wait for the 2 remaining weeks to elapse and then im free from groupmates hating me (just some wild presumption) for being so unproductive esp during the times when i just have to be. case in point, now. but what the heck. to be forced to work when not in the mood just results in more shitty drafts. which would be less appreciated than a good work that took a longer time. assumption held: there's still time. case in point, now. a meager 10.5 hours before final biz plan is submitted and maybe +8 hours more before take home LT is due. without these two, id be very much relieved. two big works, gone. shit. see, now that i have time to think about stuff, i really am thinking about other things. wow. effective. thanks to my traitor emotions. cheesy. skip skip skip. i dunno what im saying now. i just wanna continue typing and typing and typing bec it makes me feel so much relieved. right, as if i was under too much pressure before i went blogging. 2 weeks. and everything's over. including love life. i think. she doesnt take notice. or she intentionally does that. oh well, girls. and how they break guys' hearts often. i know. biased. but i cant help it. im a victim. wah, sounded nice and pitiful. victim. of what? my own stupid mistakes. oh, she's a mistake? nah. just in general. i become a pitiful victim when i make the stupid moves. there. the moves are the ones that are stupid. shoves me to the edge and i lose control. and kaboom. explosion of screw ups. if i were still pessimistic or depressed as i was couple of years ago, i would be saying now, im such a screw up and nothing happened to me my entire four years. so im such a failure. but i no longer am. and so instead, i say, oh well thats life. im still young. lotsa time to explore. and have fun. finding a person is never confined to school girls. there's way more outside the fences of the ateneo. yeah. there's hope. dont worry. i'll find someone soon. soon, months soon? years soon? i dunno. what i need now is a job. not even an interview coz im a big interview fuck up. never had a single decent and acceptable interview. i always find a way to screw it up. and now, i really cant afford to do it. otherwise, i end up back in lucena, sitting on my ass with no job and no earnings. and that quite aint what i want to happen to me. no money. no love. no nothing. i am worth, about 25k. so there. its fun to fill out employment app forms when they ask for our desired salary. wish we could put 50k. why not? haha. asa. kupal. feeling mo VP ka na?and then i stop typing. coz im sleepy. and my eyes are starting to shut. but they cant coz there's still work. shit. i dont like this. im gonna hate this night.
im saying goodbye.
hope. you. open. your. eyes.
im tired.
i dont know what to do.
im confused with LS. LS? why?
really the end now.
in 3...
2...
1...
will be typing on the top of my head in 3... 2... 1....shoot: it's nice to have found someone to talk to about the person. it makes my life so much easier. especially that the new friend isn't a batchmate. so whatever i say and reveal wont put me in deep shit. or i dont think so. coz id be gone by the time everything's spilled. that is, if ever he decided to spill. which i doubt he'll do. and up until now im still confused about things. whether i should continue or not. kills me to be in this situation. although part of me is happy to be here. it's just the hassle and the thinking and the severe frustration i experience that somehow puts me through hell. although it has not been as intense as it used to be. i dont know if i should be happy about it. it could mean im slowly going back to where i used to be. but also at least it requires less thinking. and it allows me to focus more on the other things i should really be focusing on. such as school and group works. damn. another idea that just lets me be, with my all-time high level of laziness is the idea that even if i screw up on the group works, these people could no longer run away the next time there's group work. because there's no more next time. id only have to wait for the 2 remaining weeks to elapse and then im free from groupmates hating me (just some wild presumption) for being so unproductive esp during the times when i just have to be. case in point, now. but what the heck. to be forced to work when not in the mood just results in more shitty drafts. which would be less appreciated than a good work that took a longer time. assumption held: there's still time. case in point, now. a meager 10.5 hours before final biz plan is submitted and maybe +8 hours more before take home LT is due. without these two, id be very much relieved. two big works, gone. shit. see, now that i have time to think about stuff, i really am thinking about other things. wow. effective. thanks to my traitor emotions. cheesy. skip skip skip. i dunno what im saying now. i just wanna continue typing and typing and typing bec it makes me feel so much relieved. right, as if i was under too much pressure before i went blogging. 2 weeks. and everything's over. including love life. i think. she doesnt take notice. or she intentionally does that. oh well, girls. and how they break guys' hearts often. i know. biased. but i cant help it. im a victim. wah, sounded nice and pitiful. victim. of what? my own stupid mistakes. oh, she's a mistake? nah. just in general. i become a pitiful victim when i make the stupid moves. there. the moves are the ones that are stupid. shoves me to the edge and i lose control. and kaboom. explosion of screw ups. if i were still pessimistic or depressed as i was couple of years ago, i would be saying now, im such a screw up and nothing happened to me my entire four years. so im such a failure. but i no longer am. and so instead, i say, oh well thats life. im still young. lotsa time to explore. and have fun. finding a person is never confined to school girls. there's way more outside the fences of the ateneo. yeah. there's hope. dont worry. i'll find someone soon. soon, months soon? years soon? i dunno. what i need now is a job. not even an interview coz im a big interview fuck up. never had a single decent and acceptable interview. i always find a way to screw it up. and now, i really cant afford to do it. otherwise, i end up back in lucena, sitting on my ass with no job and no earnings. and that quite aint what i want to happen to me. no money. no love. no nothing. i am worth, about 25k. so there. its fun to fill out employment app forms when they ask for our desired salary. wish we could put 50k. why not? haha. asa. kupal. feeling mo VP ka na?and then i stop typing. coz im sleepy. and my eyes are starting to shut. but they cant coz there's still work. shit. i dont like this. im gonna hate this night.
im saying goodbye.
hope. you. open. your. eyes.
im tired.
i dont know what to do.
im confused with LS. LS? why?
really the end now.
in 3...
2...
1...
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
a fool's entry
i have just finished reading for finance, trying to understand every single thing just so i can proceed in answering the case assigned to us for friday. i did understand things. but the problem we are suppose to work on doesnt seem to completely match the theories involved in the chapter i just read. or maybe im just not thinking hard enough. or not at all. it is quite disappointing that even she doesn't know how to work the problem out. i can sense some screwed up presentation on friday. i guess it's what you get when you put together three management students. trained not to think mathematically. but instead, instinctively. i think. instincts dont mean nothing when you're solving some technical, heavily numbered finance. i just thought now how life wouldve been had i decided to minor in some other things. or just nothing.
wish it was really possible to get that second chance to live one's life. just so we can redo whatever we've done in the past. especially those which have caused our lives to fuck up. or those which have caused or are still causing complications in our lives. it's easy for me to wish for that to happen. just so i can erase every single part of my somehow horrible past. part of me wants to leave it behind and just completely purge it out of my system. but i guess i dont have a choice. i can only put up with how things are now and start from this point onwards (or maybe from the point where life has started to become acceptable for me).
it makes me think now, do i really want to eliminate those complications i'm going through at present? i mean it's good to have some things bugging you several times of the day. it just becomes disastrous when the 'several times' becomes the whole day. i dont mind to be thinking and getting distracted all the time if i can see progress coming along. problem is, there's none. and things are just slowly becoming more complicated. gah. thisisshit. but i guess i dont give a damn about it too much anymore. it just gets the best of me. gradually leading me to self-destruction. or again, maybe im just not thinking hard enough. i let emotions rule over my brain. its heart over mind baby. and thats stupid. at least sometimes and in my case now. hmm. maybe its best that i just let things go as they wish, rather than plan things out then screw up in the end. just live smart. love smart. and... just be freakin smart.
PS im still too young to be in a rush. slow down buddy.
wish it was really possible to get that second chance to live one's life. just so we can redo whatever we've done in the past. especially those which have caused our lives to fuck up. or those which have caused or are still causing complications in our lives. it's easy for me to wish for that to happen. just so i can erase every single part of my somehow horrible past. part of me wants to leave it behind and just completely purge it out of my system. but i guess i dont have a choice. i can only put up with how things are now and start from this point onwards (or maybe from the point where life has started to become acceptable for me).
it makes me think now, do i really want to eliminate those complications i'm going through at present? i mean it's good to have some things bugging you several times of the day. it just becomes disastrous when the 'several times' becomes the whole day. i dont mind to be thinking and getting distracted all the time if i can see progress coming along. problem is, there's none. and things are just slowly becoming more complicated. gah. thisisshit. but i guess i dont give a damn about it too much anymore. it just gets the best of me. gradually leading me to self-destruction. or again, maybe im just not thinking hard enough. i let emotions rule over my brain. its heart over mind baby. and thats stupid. at least sometimes and in my case now. hmm. maybe its best that i just let things go as they wish, rather than plan things out then screw up in the end. just live smart. love smart. and... just be freakin smart.
PS im still too young to be in a rush. slow down buddy.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
