thoughts on being alone. ++

i almost choked after eating dinner at karlo's condo for eating too much and drinking... not even too little, but nothing. if im not mistaken there was only tap water and i thought it was unsafe to drink that so didn't. why didn't i bother getting a drink somewhere else? because i was in an unnecessary hurry. the driver was waiting for me outside already so i had to stuff my mouth with so much food not even giving me the chance to chew properly. if it weren't for the uber slow delivery of ken afford, and i swear i wont eat there again ever (or i can give it another chance), i would've savored my dinner more. honestly though, the food was more than okay. if only i had enough time. ugh. and here comes the issue...

why the need to be in a hurry every single day? because the driver has to go home pa. and it seems to me there's no way of fixing that. it's either i go home early or i go home early. pffft... and this thought just got into me: why cant i drive my own car just so everybody's happy? i wont be interfering with the driver's regular schedule of going home nor would i have to pretend to have finished the work that's still undone and leave... i mean i think it's that simple. this argument has been going through my head for months already (and it reached climax only when this sem began). everytime i go beyond 9pm, he makes the car fly and after all these years of being the passenger, i still feel unsafe even when buckled up as long as he's the one driving. sheesh. it is within my knowledge that i drive pretty scary too. but the fact that i have more control over what is happenning and could happen somehow relieves me of that worry. hayayay...

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im currently observing what's happening sa tabi tabi. and no, i wont be disclosing anything as of this moment. or if ever i do, i'd speak of it in general terms...

im a regular visitor of one online forum and reader of some threads there. one of the last topics that i came across was "falling out of friendship". sounds familiar eh? maybe it's falling out of love. i myself got curious when i encountered this. i told myself, hey, there's such a thing pala. having looked at people's responses to it, i figured out what the thread starter meant. it meant getting tired of the friendship and just seeing things (and the relationship) drift away... one could be falling out of friendship when things aren't turning out okay or the way we want them to. this is one scary thought. to go out on this world alone couldn't get any scarier. maybe for the meantime, as you slowly try to convince yourself that you can do things on your own, you really are fine. but as time slowly passes by, without the people you got used to being with you for most of the time, you start to feel empty. you start to feel lost. you might even start to feel unwanted. that hurts big time. aaargh. when this happens, you'd start thinking that you've done something wrong or you went too far. some people who'd feel this way either are paranoid or just value the friendship too much that the destruction of which is tantamount to.... i dont know. i might exaggerate on this. so better end it there.

for a disclaimer, i am not currently experiencing this. i just wanted to give this some thought. but i would admit, it is scary to be alone sometimes. especially whe you've grown too dependent on your buddies that their absence creates some mood troubles. as one of my close friends admitted: "i'm scared to be alone." so am i, buddy. so am i.

lesson learned and a whole lot more...

it was soo stupid of me to have forgotten my blog username. i told myself: what the hell, this is just your second day and you already dont know what your username is?!?!? it's like forgetting your own name. or not really. im fond of using too many different usernames (and before, passwords) anyway. that reminds me of the 150+ email addresses ive had. (i surely wasted my time on that. hahaha.) good thing blog doesnt only offer a password recovery service but also a username recovery one for stupid people like me. and on that page, it says: forgot your username too? (or something like that...) i just thought that maybe as the webmaster was doing that, he had in mind... "any stupid people out there?" ouch. bull's eye. haha. anyway...

i didn' t leave the house today until around 430. i got so engrossed in this movie called the emperor's club. when i first saw it a couple of days ago, i thought that was dead poets society... but i was wrong. so i ignored it the first time. but kanina, since i had lots of free time and wasn't in the mood to take a shower yet, i killed time enjoying the movie. (i ate lunch first at 2; i woke up at 1. hehe.) i thought that was one of the best movies ive seen lately... old movie for that matter. perhaps i can recommend this to my friends. the competition there was cool. mr julius caesar. to wear the toga (or is that what it's called?) and have the laurel leaf placed on your head's astig.

anyway. one of my friends was not feeling alright since the other day. i dont know whats wrong with him. he wouldnt tell. it was bothersome at first because although i wanted to help, i can't because i dont know the story behind it. so all i was able to say was "it's gonna be alright. hope things get better." he got kind of pissed when i asked for the 3rd time, i guess, if he could tell me what's wrong. "it's not helping" was what he said. so okay. i would stop. and it just made me realize how for some people, although you wanna help, they just want you out of it. the feeling that you want your friend to be alright but you don't know how you could help is quite frustrating. lesson learned: two times is the farthest you can go. beyond that, the persons gets pissed at you. (or only some because sometimes it requires some forcing to have the person open up to you.) right, it's not a prerogative for me to be makulit. as i've told him, maybe kulang ako sa sapok. but if that's how he wants to deal with it, fine. i will just be here lurking around, waiting for that day that he'll tell me what had happened. (kidding. makulit na naman.)

excerpts... plus extra added thoughts

i thought having blog [the generic] at blog [the specific] is better than having it at livejournal. it just sounds better and the URL, shorter most of the time. also, this blog's now open for everyone to read. unlike the old one which is heavily filled with unnecessary dramas caused by mostly uber shallow things and issues only in my mind exist. at least with this, i plan to showcase a different me. talk about desire for a sudden self-transformation.

anyway, work's starting to get us all stressed out. marketing in particular... we've started thinking of products to "make" a couple of weeks ago and until now, we're still hoping that either of the last two we submitted this afternoon would finally be accepted. didn't think it would be this hard to come up with a product/service. soriano's pretty strict with our proposals, which is both good and bad. the former because we know we're headed to something good and bad because we're slowly running out of time to work with whatever we have to work on.

a quick comment on each subject: [look at how disgusting this is, first entry and im talking about school.... anyway...]

finance is as expected interesting. but i think i'd like this better than accouting. this one's leaning more towards the practical side. and this thought just came up again, i wanna join finex. i really do. but the hell, if accounting grades were to be part of the qualifications, then woohoo, ill be sending out an early goodbye to the competition.

philo's getting me bobo. mundo ng ideya? o mundo ng nadarama? puta, why do we have to look at things exclusively from this or that point of view?! why can't it be a fusion of the two?

histo's boooring. and until now, im still bothered by the fact that our teacher smiles most of the time she discusses... it's as if there's something funny with the story. but wala e! freak. it's like at the back of her mind, nagagago ko na tong mga to. if smiling faces make our days better, hers doesn't. it does otherwise. haha. (that was pretty mean. anyway....)

opman? hamham.

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i should be off now. i told myself earlier that i should be in bed at 1030 or 11. but look at the clock now. it says 12.21. late for bedtime again. my taking a shower woke me up. i was sleepy the entire afternoon!

[jul22.04 entry. title: magkaibigang magkaaway] sa kaso ng magkaibang magkaaway, waring ikunukulong ng isa ang isa sa sariling sistema. nasa loob ng sistema ang mga konsepto at aksiyoma ukol sa kung ano ang nararapat. paano ba dapat kumilos ang isa? sa madaling sabi, sistema= aksiyoma= inaasahan. at hindi maikakaila na ang mga inaasahang ito ay maaaring magdulot ng maling pag-asa. sa huli, magagalit ka dahil hindi nasunod o naganap ang inaasahan mo. sasabihin mo sa sarili mo "putangina mo ka. wala kang kwenta." ni hindi mo namamalayan, ikaw ang gumawa ng sarili mong problema. sarili mong katangahan ang nagdulot ng iyong pagkabigo. o siguro, palibhasa, hindi lang talaga marunong makiayon yaong isang tao sa mga ninanais mo.

itigil mo na ang iyong maling pag-asa. sabi nga sa artikulo ni scott peck, kabiguan lamang ang susunod diyan. pabayaan mo na lang ang mga nangyayari. take it as it comes, 'ika nga.bahala na lang. basta sabihin mo na lang sa mga nanggagago sa yo, putang ina niyo! sarap pa ng pakiramdam mo!

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actually doesn't matter to me anymore. i think. i have pretty much built many of my newest beliefs/views through those experiences.1. you can' t have everything you want. 2. "kung ayaw mo, huwag mo." 3. it's stupid to expect from people. and you're stupid for expecting. 4. there are way more reasons to be happy than to be sad. 5. life is beautiful and it's bulls are not worth fretting over.

[aug15.04 entry. title: night before the accounting tests. perfect time to reflect.] i guess the best way to wrap this up is to list down the most recent realizations ive had.- that to live your life better, you have to learn from other people. whether learn things through their words, or learn them by experience. even if it means being hurt, frustrated or depressed.- that you can't always please other people. no matter how much you want to please them and make them realize how good you are as a person, that just won't happen. the more you try, the more frustrated you will become.- that you can't always get 100% trust of other people. they get to choose what to tell you or if they want tell you about things, in the first place. again, if you think you're trustworthy enough, they might not have the same thought. so bahala sila.- that your thoughts determine your emotions. and not the other way around. the more you think about the depressing things, the more you will be depressed. so to avoid that, it's better to just stop thinking about the things or people causing that bad mood. they're not significant enough to have the power to control you.- if you would lose your friends, you lose them. if you can avoid it, then do all the means you could to avoid that. but if they dont want you, then there's nothing you can do about it. they wanna get rid of you, e di go. maybe it just means they're not worth your time. stupid people.- no matter what your friends say, try to not mind them. they're just there to piss you or get you mad. but dont let that happen. just ride with what they're sayin. as long as it doesnt destroy you as a person. or your dignity. they're not worthy enough to get you angry or pissed or depressed or frustrated.


[Aug. 25. 04. Title: baha.] inakala kong makakauwi ako ng maaga kanina matapos ideklarang wala ng pasok. hindi ako natuwa na nawalan. dahil sayang sa damit at sayang sa oras. ang lakas pa naman ng ulan. nasayang lang ang tulog ko... sa kamalas-malasan nga naman, abutin daw ba ng tatlong uras mula ateneo hanggang sa bahay. para na akong naglakbay mula maynila patungong lucena. bobo diba? hindi ko maintindihan bakit ganito na ka-kadiri ang pilipinas. hindi sa iisang tao masisisi ang lahat ng kapalpakang ito. ang baha ay dahil sa kapalpakan at katangahan ng sangkaterbang tao. sa simula wala silang pakialam sa mga pinagagagawa nila. sa huli, tsaka sila mamimiligro sa naging epekto ng kanilang walang silbing kabobohan... habang nanonood ako ng tv ngayong gabi, nakinig ko na sinasabi ng ilang naapektuhan "sanay na kami dito"... at biglang naisip ko, "puta, hindi ba napakalungkot nun? na masabi mong sanay ka na sa baha?" bakit? kasi ibig sabihin nun, wala ng magandang pagbabagong nangyayari. puro kasiraan na... at malamang sa susunod, sa isang minutong pagbagsak ng malakas na ulan, asahan mong may swimming pool ka ng lalanguyan. at asahan mo ring, mauunahan ka pa ng balitang wala ng pasok sa pag-ihi mo. hindi pa bumabagsak sa inidoro ang huling patak ng mapalot mong ihi, bumuhos na ang ulan at baha na jan sa may kanto. at sasabihin na naman ng mga tao "Sanay na kami jan. buong buhay na namin ganyan ang nangyayari." at sasabihin ko, ang pathetic niyo. magpapabaya kayo para lang pahirapan ang sarili niyo. matino ba namang gawain iyon?