thoughts on being alone. ++

i almost choked after eating dinner at karlo's condo for eating too much and drinking... not even too little, but nothing. if im not mistaken there was only tap water and i thought it was unsafe to drink that so didn't. why didn't i bother getting a drink somewhere else? because i was in an unnecessary hurry. the driver was waiting for me outside already so i had to stuff my mouth with so much food not even giving me the chance to chew properly. if it weren't for the uber slow delivery of ken afford, and i swear i wont eat there again ever (or i can give it another chance), i would've savored my dinner more. honestly though, the food was more than okay. if only i had enough time. ugh. and here comes the issue...

why the need to be in a hurry every single day? because the driver has to go home pa. and it seems to me there's no way of fixing that. it's either i go home early or i go home early. pffft... and this thought just got into me: why cant i drive my own car just so everybody's happy? i wont be interfering with the driver's regular schedule of going home nor would i have to pretend to have finished the work that's still undone and leave... i mean i think it's that simple. this argument has been going through my head for months already (and it reached climax only when this sem began). everytime i go beyond 9pm, he makes the car fly and after all these years of being the passenger, i still feel unsafe even when buckled up as long as he's the one driving. sheesh. it is within my knowledge that i drive pretty scary too. but the fact that i have more control over what is happenning and could happen somehow relieves me of that worry. hayayay...

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im currently observing what's happening sa tabi tabi. and no, i wont be disclosing anything as of this moment. or if ever i do, i'd speak of it in general terms...

im a regular visitor of one online forum and reader of some threads there. one of the last topics that i came across was "falling out of friendship". sounds familiar eh? maybe it's falling out of love. i myself got curious when i encountered this. i told myself, hey, there's such a thing pala. having looked at people's responses to it, i figured out what the thread starter meant. it meant getting tired of the friendship and just seeing things (and the relationship) drift away... one could be falling out of friendship when things aren't turning out okay or the way we want them to. this is one scary thought. to go out on this world alone couldn't get any scarier. maybe for the meantime, as you slowly try to convince yourself that you can do things on your own, you really are fine. but as time slowly passes by, without the people you got used to being with you for most of the time, you start to feel empty. you start to feel lost. you might even start to feel unwanted. that hurts big time. aaargh. when this happens, you'd start thinking that you've done something wrong or you went too far. some people who'd feel this way either are paranoid or just value the friendship too much that the destruction of which is tantamount to.... i dont know. i might exaggerate on this. so better end it there.

for a disclaimer, i am not currently experiencing this. i just wanted to give this some thought. but i would admit, it is scary to be alone sometimes. especially whe you've grown too dependent on your buddies that their absence creates some mood troubles. as one of my close friends admitted: "i'm scared to be alone." so am i, buddy. so am i.