so many things have happened in the past several days that i skipped writing on this. there was the filing of application for AMA officership, the misunderstanding/disappointment i had with kitch, the philo LT, the finance LT just hours ago, and the hovering words of 'wisdom' from them, again.

im not sure which ones i would want to go into great detail. maybe some elaboration would help.

and so kitch advised that i dont go for VP (and implied by trying to discourage me to not go for it anymore by saying that he wasnt gonna vote for me). it was such a huge disappointment to know that your bestfriend's not behind you for that. after his side though, i figured that once again he had a point. a pretty valid one for that matter. like i told him this morning, now i really appreciate when a friend's being honest and not just telling me what i want to hear. i think that way, they're being better friends. when they know you cant make it or something's not gonna happen, you'd see they're there to save you the hassle. at least that didnt last for very long. everything's fixed, more than okay.

lately i havent been in the mood to write on this. maybe it's because i dont have time. last week, i was dumped with papers. and tests and marketing stuff, which by the way, until now we havent made progress in.

see? i wanna end now.

rica peralejo's gamitan?

it seems like the issues which bugged me couple of months ago are here again, coming back to life to take up so much of my time. brought about by an incident a couple of nights ago, those which i thought have long been buried to oblivion are here again to take hold on my attention. im actually trying to be defensive about it while trying to convince myself that hey, i should just let these things go. they're not worth worrying about. maybe to a certain extent, that's true. but there's always the possibility that one gets fed up with what he gets from people around him. if one gets caught up in such a situation, how should he deal with it?

letting go isn't a matter of choosing between grabbing a white/blue or black and 1 shoes. or so i think. for me, letting go whether of one bitter experience or memory, or of personal issues requires that one detaches himself emotionally from that which has gotten him trapped, incarcerated. and to attempt to free one's self from being a prison seems like such an overwhelming task that only strong people can fulfill. havig experienced this, i say it isn't as tough really as it sounds like. you only have to convince yourself (yes, this is a prerequisite to freedom) that this is just one of the few and maybe best ways of dealing with it.

or take the isolationist approach. stay away. but i suppose that ain't really the best one available out there in survivor world.

from a ym conversation:

just to comment to what you said earlier: yeah i know that it might be wrong to stay away from them but then for me i do it as a defense mechanism... there's the fear nga that we might get too dependent on them... im also the type of person kasi who expects a lot from a friend... maybe both of us have that ideal friend in our mind... and the difficult part is finding that in our friends... again, for both of us, the only thing that makes us happy is knowing that we have very good freinds... i mean, they dont really do much for me... but i certainly appreciate those little things that they do. and im proud that they are my friends... actually im only referrring to 2 persons e... hahaha. and you know, one of the few ways of dealing with such problem that i have in mind is to just think that to think negatively of your relationship with your friends just leads to a more disbonded one. or maybe i used the wrong word... perhaps you'd just be less tight as friends...

if asked why im being so damn nice to some of my friends? i'd say, because that's all i can be. better than being cool. just as good as being great. i dont know how they'd respond if they were asked the same question. likely the same way. or maybe some cocky guy would claim otherwise.

PS take the idea philo has taught me and an r18 movie has introduced me to- gamitan.

mister #1...pfftt.

i was switching channels when i came across larry king live. and they were talking about God and the tsunami. the title per se caught my interest. interesting. larry king was asking how God could let such things happen considering it was something not inevitable. it was frustrating to not have been able to follow the discussion. questions as such are the most interesting ones for me. one i heard was that catastrophes like that take away lives of people. and death is but a natural occurrence. hence, as part of natural law, with which we don't have control over, that is just one of the ways that death materialises.

...

i was telling kit how i got sawa na with the issue of tsunami/catastrophe that happened 2 weeks ago. i dont know why all of a sudden i lost interest on it. it struck me when he made me realize how i seem to be finding enjoyment in watching or hearing about such things. i guess he was right. and that surely gave me something to think about. im acting like a parasite that feeds on other people's stories. one doesn't live through it. one doesn't take it for his survival. thinking about it somehow changed my mood. feels bad to know that that's part of who i am. with what he said, i was reminded of this one incident when he almost told me the same thing. hhhh... am i thinking about this too much again? or shouldnt i be giving this some thought?

is losing interest the same as getting sawa? i beg to claim that the two are different. losing interest could happen without one getting sawa over a thing. it just happens rarely but nevertheless still happens. however, at this moment, i think what im experiencing is both. my interest lay low and i'd like to think i got sawa na over it. but first, what is the starting and ending point of this?

it starts with interest, or maybe as intense as desire. just like adoring a girl, or the moment a guy gets hooked on a girl, which we can label our starting point, one would continuously pursue her as long as the spark's there. when it happens, though, that one day the guy wakes up, he could tell himself either 1) hey im not getting anywhere, so might as well stop, we're witnessing him getting fed up with his actions. or 2) hey i dont like her anymore. he just lost interest, not necessarily that he's sawa already. both however, are end points.

i'm mister #1.

...

i hate to admit how my friends seem to have a point most of the time. but if that means my personal development, perhaps i dont have a choice but to take in whatever's being said, that is after it goes through self-analysis and -understanding.

from sansan

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. How well do you know me?

5. Did you ever have a crush on me?

6. Would you kiss me for free? How about for P5000?

7. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

8. Describe me in one word.

9. What was your first impression of me?

10. Do you still think that way about me now?

11. What reminds you of me?

12. What song makes you think of me?

13. Would you take a bullet for me? ;)

14. If you could give me anything what would it be?

15. What's your most vivid memory of me?

16. When's the last time you saw me?

17. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

18. What's your favorite movie? Would you recommend it to me?

19. What makes you want to fill this thing out?

20. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

troubles of materialism (no in-depth reflection)

the feeling of hearing the mass alone, when usually your friends tag along with you, for the first time today, was unusually strange. being the type who's used to being on my own in most of the ways thinkable, what i felt this afternoon was... unprecedented. i was hoping that they were still here and that we could hang out some more. the thoughts that got me thinking last night (refer to previous entry) put me in this nostalgic situation. no no no, nostalgic isn't quite the word. replace it with uneasy. there was this hope that i could still connect to someone on the phone and ask if we could hang out. oh well, i guess summer's the next best chance.

im still here in lucena. leaving on wednesday. no regrets though of staying for a couple more days despite the absence of friends. im still on this celebratory state of being home, resulting to a celebratory feeling. there really isn't a place quite like home. familiarity holds a strong place in me. temporary or maybe even permanent lifestyle deviation or geographical relocation creates no problem as long as it's for a better, more extravagant life. i like the feeling of having a level 10 satisfaction produced by the idea of materialism and all else that come along with it, living through it, and indulging in it forever.

that explains my dream to be filthy fucking rich. all my other dreams, if lived, would be quite above the budget of and excessive for most of the people. certainly, nobody else would be there to finance the realization of my not really far-flung ambitions, dreams, hopes. but the number problem really is, how does one get fucking filthy rich? yeah yeah, work mightily hard and a pray that a lil bit of luck is showered upon you. hope that's not BS. so in one's quest to be FFF (fucking filthy fortune), questions arise proportionately with answers. whether it's what degree brings in huge cash inflows or how hard is the hard in hardworking or what is the qualified gpa (or qpi in my case) for that dream job or where does one locate his paradise or maybe for an overstatement, heaven- all these questions can or cannot be easily answered. if one finds answer though, it shall be a subjecttive answer, a highly subjective one. anyway, expect that as one goes along to live that dream, troubles shall come his way. whether it's mustered up by something beyond his control or his own ignorance.

without these, life would be much much simpler (i.e, if one doesn't find himself crossing the line that divides the "happy" and poverty-stricken life.

f.r.i.e.n.d.s

no it isn't an acronym for some cheesy, corny, pa-cute labels. neither is it a reference to the recently concluded celebrated show. just some narrations and never before written reflections.

i went out tonight with some friends- kris, anne, jen, dot, ton, addie, ian and paul. had fun, though most of the time that we were at bergs, was just catchin up with ton and 'learning' about some interesting stuff. (ah, that guy. better watch out dude. dont put yourself in too much trouble.) three bottles of miller coupled with some loud, nevertheless well-appreciated music and some recycled jokes/song of the aptly named fat babes were enough to send my head slightly throbbing (on the right hemisphere). it wasn't a matter of getting used to the mix. been there, done that a couple of times already. a third call shouldnt be much different. things should rather turn out better. that happening may have been triggered by some pre-Bergs experiences- the trembling cold caught from hanging out at mug cafe or the negligible drizzling as we left school for zym. or both. anyway, everything seems to be back to normal already. (and in few days time, the world shall welcome me again to the 'real world' for being back to school. life's gonna be shitty tough from then on.)

apparently, blogging at around this time may be the perfect thing to do as one tries to wait for sleep's call. (and where there's silence, it seems to provide the perfect moment to be reflective of things.)

tonight, in my attempt to keep myself away from trouble with my dad for coming home "late" again, i sent a message telling him ill be home half past cinderella's curfew. (of course those weren't my exact words. duh to the one who thinks of such.) guess what? i beat it. not because i got him to favor the time i requested to be home, but rather, i was strictly ordered to be home 30 minutes earlier than the fairy tale's time. bargaining was even required just to settle at that. wouldve been home an hour earlier. truly sucked. BIG time. as i was really in control of how things went, i got in front of our door at 00:03 (yes, i checked it before i got to enter.) i always end up this way anyway- i'm always late. oh well, maybe that's how they got to deal with me. set a time way earlier than the time real time they'd want be home and expect me to have some delays which may either be caused or not by my own will. and then i'll home be home at the right time.

just realized how most of my buddies are set to leave few hours from now to escape from the heavy traffic that's bound to happen as most of the people who spent the new year (and maybe plus christmas) in their respective towns are, just like my friends, set to congest the roads maybe the entire day heading back to where they're supposed to be by monday. only either for work or school. no other reason joins the tag team. having the opportunity to hang out with them gave me this sense of longing to hang out with them more often and the prospect for summer. maybe the fun made me realize how each moment turns out pretty well and sometimes interesting as one catches up with whoever. if i decide to skip the internship, it may mean more gimmicks with them. yet on the other hand, it may mean something bigger and worse. my future's gonna have to skip on me, too. anyway, most of them are gonna have classes by that time too, i guess. so nothing much to miss.

hmm... hope the year puts us all on a pedestal, and a step closer to our dreams. to success. to a promising future. meaning that no one screws up in any imaginable way. we may be the captains of our own ships yet as we sail along, we don't know how many thunderstorms and manifestations of nature's power shall come our way. to put some philosophical touch, consider linalang at Lumalang.

traumas of the past

i guess now im already tired of posting the death toll post-earthquake-and-tsunami, almost a week after. though im tempted, i choose to just stop. my postings won't help in a big way that i'd want them to. only it will make myself and others aware of how this seems to be a truly devastating one, not only for me but more so, and to a way greater extent, pain's tenfold, for the ones left by the victims. CNN and BBC still are continuously feeding the globe with information with regard to the toll, the debatable issues such as US' being stingy (which i find a bit ridiculous), or whichever really counts as the best focal point at this moment- the corpses and the number of victims or the struggle each survivor has to face. where will they live, what they're gonna eat, how will they cope. With other questions such as, is it still safe to habituate in those nearby places considering the diseases lurking around? How will these people carry on considering the traumatic state the catastrophe has put them in? How long will it take them to move on?

this year's been relatively quiet. we had only few firecrackers to deal with. it took us an hour and a half though. that was because we took it slowly. this year didnt compare to the past where the sending away of the spirits started at 1030, ended at 130 or later as opposed to this year which started at 1130. one hour makes a big diff. and consider how each passing moment was an opportunity to fill the place with the roaring noise created by the firecrackers. We were literally making noise. But this time, it was just one short holler. nevetheless, it was still as loud. why was that so? trauma from last year's fire.

what the hell's up with all these traumas?!

everyone's up for a fresh new start. but it doesn't mean everone's gonna have a blast. maybe a lot of us will be in some deep shit. but i could be wrong. it might be a good year for all of us. nah. thats BS. it was never a good year for everyone. good year for some, yeah. but never for everyone. something will always come up to screw someone's life up.