...in this season's EPL, but won't happen:
1) Newcastle to present the first known sight of infinity by putting their trophy cabinet on public display.
2) A cup of tea bought inside a football stadium to cost less than £1.50.
3) Fans to be able to read the name on the back of the players' shirts from the away end at St James' Park without the aid of binoculars or a high-powered telescope.
4) Sol Campbell to walk out at half-time during his Portsmouth debut to study European geography.
5) A post-match interview on Sky Sports to feature an Arsenal player other than Thierry Henry.
6) John Terry's mother to be the guest of honour at Liverpool v Chelski.
7) Cristiano Ronaldo to break his nose and suffer permanent facial injuries after misjudging an acoustic foul.
8) The BBC to reveal just how much of the licence fee persuaded Alan Shearer to reject an offer to become England coach.
9) David Beckham to donate £500 to charity on each occasion he is heard to utter "you know" in a television interview.
10) Gareth Barry to change his name by deed poll to Garry Barry.
11) Theo Walcott to go three years better than Wayne Rooney and mark his 18th birthday by releasing his autobiography.
12) A ManYoo goalscorer, celebrating next to a large hole in the ground, to duck as Rio Ferdinand attempts to jump on his back.
13) Rafa Benitez to publish the notes he makes during matches.
14) All players to be automatically booked if they wave an imaginary card at the referee on the grounds that they asked for it.
15) Spurs to officially confirm that they gave up their status as a big club thirty years ago.
16) The Liverpool Christmas party to be videotaped in its entirety and broadcast on youtube.
17) Sir Alex Ferguson to admit that he was only looking agitatedly at his watch in the closing minutes of a ManYoo match because he had realised it had stopped.
18) Sir Alex Ferguson to attend a post-match press conference following a ManYoo defeat.
-Taken from Football365.com
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